I liked Saturday. I went to that party.. It started out really, really awkward. That’s unavoidable with me though. After a few people got there though, I was totally fine. It was weird. I was actually comfortable with people. XD This surprised me, as I was the only girl there for a while. They are some rad people though. Some aspects of the night went amazingly better than planned, and others… not as well as planned, but still not sheer fail. I felt awesome to break the rule twice, and I felt even more awesome when one of the rad people there said about the 18+ rule that, “Kelsey is the exception.”

I was really happy today that I acted like myself, was comfortable, and was not rejected. I mean, I feel really stupid right now that I’ve been afraid of that so much. I have no idea how I managed to not feel awkward around so many people I didn’t know, but I think I acted really normal, and it was amazing to actually have people want me around. I was surprised and very pleased when I was urged to come to the next game night, like they actually wanted me there. I said that I can’t drive, and he said he could pick me up. Then later, brought it up again, and another rad person said not to worry and that they would figure something out.

Yes, I really liked Saturday, and today. I am very content about the night/morning. I still manage to be unsatisfied though. It’s foolish. What can I expect? I feel accepted by others. I didn’t feel rejected today, or self-conscious beyond how I think a normal person should feel, but at the same time, I can’t stop wondering, “Why can’t you return my feelings?” I know why, of course, but why those reasons have to exist.. it’s stupid. I allow myself to hope a little, which is also stupid.

I no longer have to try not to crush on anyone else. I don’t need to tell myself not to look at anyone else. I find the idea absurd that there would be anyone else. I find it absurd that I find that absurd. Haha. Uuuugh.

I really like you. A lot. I can’t think when you’re next to me. I see, but I don’t process. I hear, but I don’t comprehend. I feel, but not what I’m supposed to. I’ve been wondering all night if you noticed how I looked at you. I’ve been wondering if you noticed how I pretended to need help and said the wrong thing so you would tell me what to do, be close to me, talk to me.. I’ve been wondering if you even noticed the dozens of times you accidentally touched my hand or my arms with yours, and how it affected me. I wonder if you know how much I like you. I wonder what you’re thinking when you look at me for too long. I wonder what you were thinking when you turned around and looked at me, but said nothing, almost smiling, and I wonder if you know how much it bothered me. I wonder if you notice how I am always focused on you, even when someone else is talking to me. I wonder if you noticed that you always ended up sitting by me. I wonder how that happened, because I surprisingly did not try to. I wonder what you think of me. You seem so indifferent sometimes. I wonder if you noticed how I tried to hang onto every detail when you were by me. It bothered me how you parked. I like you a lot.

I will leave out details that make me sound like a creeper.