This is kind of turning into my, “I want to write something especially creepy” blog. :]

Yesterday. It was fantastic. One of the best, and most important experiences of my life.

A week ago, I decided to email Konrad, asking about baptism, and if I could speak with him about it. He said we could, and to let him know what days worked for me. So I did. We ended up speaking after youth group on Wednesday, and I asked Konrad if he could baptize me. He said he would, but I’d first have to ask Pastor Al, since he’s “in charge of the show.”

Thursday morning, I emailed Pastor Al. All he responded was with what his cell number was, that he’d have his phone by his side all day, give him a call, and have a good day.

I guess his meaning was clear.

Thursday afternoon I called him (scariest thing ever to call someone you don’t know with intent of a personal conversation, by the way). We talked for a while, and decided I’d be baptized on Saturday. So I asked if Konrad could do it and he said, “He can help. He’ll be in there. I’m doing ‘em.” This made me frown. At first I was really upset. I don’t know P. Al at all, so I felt uncomfortable with that thought. But I wasn’t doing it for the person baptizing me, I was doing it for Christ. So logic returned after about an hour of being difficult. I mean, at least Konrad got to be in there.

Saturday rolls around, and I spent all day waiting. I was so excited. I was also very nervous. I sat through the service waiting, waiting, waiting. If I had my cell phone on my person, I would have been checking the time constantly. Finally, P. Al calls us to come up. We have to speak into the mic and say our names, and why we’re doing it. My voice was shaking. I was shaking. I managed to say what I wanted though. and then Aaron yelled something in support and I might have started blushing. It was OK though. So then we went through the side door and took our shoes off. I was first. So P. Al and Konrad got into the baptismal, then I did. They held on to me, and I waited for P. Al to start talking. All he said though, was, “OK, go Konrad.” and I’m thinking, “What?” I’m pretty sure Konrad was also confused because he said, clearly surprised, “Oh!” and then I /think/ he said, “Kelsey, because of your faith in Jesus Christ, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.” and then I was dunked. I had previously been afraid that I would start to struggle, since two men were pulling me backwards into water. I actually didn’t though. I suppose with two guys holding me, I felt pretty supported. I think I was too excited to pay attention. I didn’t even notice anyone touching me (I just mean, I was unaware, not that I would have minded. In this case, I would have been pretty pleased). I was ecstatic. So I trudged through the sidedoor, weighing like twice as much, with my soaked jeans and sweatshirt. Once we were in the other room, I said to Konrad, “I seriously thought he said you’d only be helping.” and he’s like, “Yeah, that’s what he told me too.” We shrugged, laughed, and then went to change. Best day ever, really. I’m so glad that I made this decison.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Believe me,
You really don't have to worry.
I only want to make you happy
And if you say,
"Hey, go away," I will
But I think better still,
I'd better stay around and love you.
Do you think I have a case?
Let me ask you to your face:
Do you think you love me?

I think I love you.

In your world of two, there’s only room for you.

She told me not to set myself up to get hurt. Isn’t that exactly what I’m doing?

:] Pleasant thoughts. Very.

OKAY SO, I need to stop thinking about it. It doesn’t make ANNNYYYY difference at all, until my birthday. I am waiting, not wondering. Waaaiting. Not wondering. I just need to remember that, and I can keep my sanity. It doesn’t matter if he likes or does not like me tomorrow, or the next day, three weeks from now, three months from now. It doesn’t matter. At all. Worrying does no good anyways. It won’t change anything. Quibbling with myself will NOT change anything.

I thought quibble was a cooler word than nitpick.

In any case, please, mind, STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS.

Done.

I can’t wait until Saturday.

I can’t believe I’m so pathetic that I wake up and he’s my very first thought.

You’ve got to be kidding me.

I thought last night would just be awesome, but I did not think I would like him freaking more. That almost takes away from the awesome.. now..

*rolls eyes*

I’m so stupid. XD.

I liked Saturday. I went to that party.. It started out really, really awkward. That’s unavoidable with me though. After a few people got there though, I was totally fine. It was weird. I was actually comfortable with people. XD This surprised me, as I was the only girl there for a while. They are some rad people though. Some aspects of the night went amazingly better than planned, and others… not as well as planned, but still not sheer fail. I felt awesome to break the rule twice, and I felt even more awesome when one of the rad people there said about the 18+ rule that, “Kelsey is the exception.”

I was really happy today that I acted like myself, was comfortable, and was not rejected. I mean, I feel really stupid right now that I’ve been afraid of that so much. I have no idea how I managed to not feel awkward around so many people I didn’t know, but I think I acted really normal, and it was amazing to actually have people want me around. I was surprised and very pleased when I was urged to come to the next game night, like they actually wanted me there. I said that I can’t drive, and he said he could pick me up. Then later, brought it up again, and another rad person said not to worry and that they would figure something out.

Yes, I really liked Saturday, and today. I am very content about the night/morning. I still manage to be unsatisfied though. It’s foolish. What can I expect? I feel accepted by others. I didn’t feel rejected today, or self-conscious beyond how I think a normal person should feel, but at the same time, I can’t stop wondering, “Why can’t you return my feelings?” I know why, of course, but why those reasons have to exist.. it’s stupid. I allow myself to hope a little, which is also stupid.

I no longer have to try not to crush on anyone else. I don’t need to tell myself not to look at anyone else. I find the idea absurd that there would be anyone else. I find it absurd that I find that absurd. Haha. Uuuugh.

I really like you. A lot. I can’t think when you’re next to me. I see, but I don’t process. I hear, but I don’t comprehend. I feel, but not what I’m supposed to. I’ve been wondering all night if you noticed how I looked at you. I’ve been wondering if you noticed how I pretended to need help and said the wrong thing so you would tell me what to do, be close to me, talk to me.. I’ve been wondering if you even noticed the dozens of times you accidentally touched my hand or my arms with yours, and how it affected me. I wonder if you know how much I like you. I wonder what you’re thinking when you look at me for too long. I wonder what you were thinking when you turned around and looked at me, but said nothing, almost smiling, and I wonder if you know how much it bothered me. I wonder if you notice how I am always focused on you, even when someone else is talking to me. I wonder if you noticed that you always ended up sitting by me. I wonder how that happened, because I surprisingly did not try to. I wonder what you think of me. You seem so indifferent sometimes. I wonder if you noticed how I tried to hang onto every detail when you were by me. It bothered me how you parked. I like you a lot.

I will leave out details that make me sound like a creeper.

Yes, very funny that I’m cheered by what I’ll never have.